Monday, May 27, 2013

Terrorists Decide to Go on Holiday as U.S. Implodes All By Itself

Ahmad: "Hey, Hafiz, did you see another overpass fell apart? This one in Missouri. Was that one even on our blow-up list?"

Hafiz: "Yeah, it was new on the list so we just saved a whole lot of dynamite...nevermind saving us the pain-in-the-ass of transporting it there. Say, can you make a meeting of the Elite Masterminds, al-Qaeda branch, this Thursday after morning prayers - that is, if you do them? We're meeting in Cave #3, password VACAY. And this time leave your laptop at home. Last meeting of the Honorable Jihadists, the porn was just too distracting and we couldn't get any work done. And the place was a mess. Hope you were able to unstick the keyboard."

Ahmad: "Yes, yes, agree with respect. No laptop. Ask for your supreme forgiveness for brain fart! Ha, ha! Learned that from American jihadi. Praying that tumblr keeps its porn pages."

Meeting. Interior Cave #3.

Six members of Elite Masterminds sit around a campfire, passing a pipe. No laptops.

Supreme Leader Omar: "Welcome, greetings of respect and reverence to all of you and a thousand blessings that you made it here, from near and far, for this important meeting. Apparently, our new super secret communication system, landlines, is working beautifully. 'Props' (learned from American jihadist) to our revered and awesome (please forgive Western influence...am working on addiction) brother, Abu, for coming up with such a simple solution to connecting under the radar. Like, who uses landlines anymore?! Brilliant. Blessings to you, Abu, and may you have a million Jihadi children.

Ok, we're here because it has come to our attention that we seem to be wasting our time planning the destruction of the United States of America. Deranged, subversive sources inform us that the U.S. is falling apart all on its own and honorable sources are worried they will be out of a job...but, on the bright side, they will blend in even better with filthy non-believer citizens who are also unemployed.

Abu, honorable and thundering warrior, head of PR and Washington lobbyist, may you honor us with your report.

Abu: Blessings and admiration, may you all live a thousand lives with vestal virgins. First, I want to congratulate Hadid for winning numbers in the Power Ball - may Allah forgive us - as he has generously tithed his winnings, even without us threatening to cut his head off, so that we may, Allah willing, upgrade our suicide bomber jackets to ones our glorious leader spotted in the Patagonia catalogue. Please honorably note, we are now moving into sustainable garments where possible.

And now for the news you are all here for. As Supreme Leader Omar indicated with his brilliant and perceptive mind and his subversive subscription to the New York Times as well as our deranged colleagues hidden in plain sight in the U.S., it has become plainly obvious that we can put on pause our intricate and stealthy plans to do Jihad to our filthy infidels because they are doing a stellar job all by themselves.

May we bow before Allah and blow kisses to him for this: Thousands of Bridges in U.S. Could Collapse If Only Single Part Fails You see. He, Oh Glorious One, has answered our prayers to help us bring down the greatest country in the world - well, that's how they bill themselves - by turning themselves against themselves. Does Allah get any more creative than that?

And now for the kicker, honorable soldiers. Because of my deft and humble lobbying - but of course, only with Allah's help - get this! Banks’ Lobbyists Help in Drafting Financial Bills  Let us put 'on hold' our delicious, nefarious plans to infiltrate and destroy the conceited and arrogant United States' economy. Again, they are doing it, thanks and bows to Allah, to themselves. There is an old and imaginative saying that I learned from my years of being head ladies dorm monitor - they thought I was an uncorrupted holy man: Putting the wolf in charge of the hen house. So it is with the corruptible and greedy bankers.

With Allah's blessed help, that is my report. Over to you Supreme Leader.

Supreme Leader Omar: Blessings for such an honorable and insightful report. So, the good news is, al-Qaeda brethern, we are suspending all destructive plans, for Allah knows how long, until America gets its shit together and we can resume jihad. Until then, we are GOING ON HOLIDAY! You have earned a little R&R, a reprieve from suicides and beheadings, stonings and machete-wielding. You must be exhausted. Brochures for possible vacation locations are on the rock as you go out. It is advised that we can obtain group rates.

Go in peace...for the time being...in blessings and friendship. Blessed is Allah.