Due to recent disclosures of bloggers being paid as 'consultants' for
political campaigns and/or various political agendas, I say, upfront,
"Why hide?". My blog is as good as the next guy's. Okay, I've never
blogged before but I smell opportunity, and the fact that I am new at
this, and now a budding blogger, my credibility is unbesmirched, as I
have never endorsed a product, promoted an agenda, flogged a book or
movie, or even spewed my own self-righteous opinions...yet. My slate is
clean, ready to be sullied by capitalism and adaptable ethics. I am up
for sale. Following, please find a list of categories for which I will
blog mercilessly depending on my consultancy fees. A sliding scale of
money-to-blog ratio is available on request. Pro bono services (I do
have a heart) are available for those with little or no ka-ching. For
pro bono blogging, I will flog your product by blogging within a blog so
you can ride on the coattails of another 'enhanced' product.
NOTE:
Whatever it is that I am blogging, be it an opinion, an issue, a law,
bad-mouthing, an Oscar, whatever, is heretofore referred to as the
'product'. Here are the categories, so far:
CORPORATE:
Are you about to be indicted? Does your mother know what you've been up
to? Not to worry. I will blog by taking the high ground and cover your
ass with all sorts of spin, and even go the extra mile by writing
letters to the editor of tipsily ethical publications and newspapers
like The New York Times and The Drudge Report. Any photographs of you in
handcuffs will be derided as obvious photoshop enhancements.
POLITICAL:
Nominees and office holders...escape the brazen plumbing of your inner
sanctum secrets by dirty tricksters and ethics hounddogs...I'll flog
you're 'character' til the cows come home about the fact that you knew
absolutely nothing about anything that ever happened in your entire
life. Character assassination is easily overcome by endless blogging and
a certifiable case of amnesia. Never lose a confirmation again. (I
accept soft money.)
WAR: Do you have a war you want to
start? Let me blog it for you. We can brainstorm any number of cockammie
reasons and I will blog it to death. No food for blogs on this one,
hard cash only.
LEGISLATION: Not quite enough pork in
the barrel? I can target-blog Capital Hill like nobody's business.
Please do not confuse paid consultant blogging with lobbying...blogging
is so much more cost efficient, no martini lunches or Cohibas in the
cloakroom, just straight to your target's e-mail. We know legislators
are monitoring the pulse of the blogging community as though it were
real journalism...as if.
CELEBRITY GOSSIP: Oy Vey. This
is a tough one and, as such, may cost a little more depending on
whether you want to cover up asinine behavior or correct dastardly
misinformation on, for example, above the title credits, pregnancy,
rehab, pre-nups, etc. Blogging outright denials of obvious plastic
surgery will be charged double. Compromising oneself, for ridicule, is
costly. My entrance into the bloggosphere of self-made pundits is now
hereby official. I look forward to bflogging (not a typo) undetectable
'studies' to support your product, quoting unidentified expert sources
and keeping your product's head above water for the duration
of...whatever it is we're bflogging.
Disclaimer: I
proclaim total and unqualified innocence of any connection to anybody -
at this point...in time. Contact me through posts. Discretion
guaranteed.
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