Thursday, May 3, 2012

I Need A Job. Blogger For Sale

This post has been published before: but I thought what better place than my own blog to advertise for a J O B?! So, here it is again. Prices on request.

Due to recent disclosures of bloggers being paid as 'consultants' for political campaigns and/or various political agendas, I say, upfront, "Why hide?". My blog is as good as the next guy's. Okay, I've never blogged before but I smell opportunity, and the fact that I am new at this, and now a budding blogger, my credibility is unbesmirched, as I have never endorsed a product, promoted an agenda, flogged a book or movie, or even spewed my own self-righteous opinions...yet. My slate is clean, ready to be sullied by capitalism and adaptable ethics. I am up for sale. Following, please find a list of categories for which I will blog mercilessly depending on my consultancy fees. A sliding scale of money-to-blog ratio is available on request. Pro bono services (I do have a heart) are available for those with little or no ka-ching. For pro bono blogging, I will flog your product by blogging within a blog so you can ride on the coattails of another 'enhanced' product.

NOTE: Whatever it is that I am blogging, be it an opinion, an issue, a law, bad-mouthing, an Oscar, whatever, is heretofore referred to as the 'product'. Here are the categories, so far:

CORPORATE: Are you about to be indicted? Does your mother know what you've been up to? Not to worry. I will blog by taking the high ground and cover your ass with all sorts of spin, and even go the extra mile by writing letters to the editor of tipsily ethical publications and newspapers like The New York Times and The Drudge Report. Any photographs of you in handcuffs will be derided as obvious photoshop enhancements.

POLITICAL: Nominees and office holders...escape the brazen plumbing of your inner sanctum secrets by dirty tricksters and ethics hounddogs...I'll flog you're 'character' til the cows come home about the fact that you knew absolutely nothing about anything that ever happened in your entire life. Character assassination is easily overcome by endless blogging and a certifiable case of amnesia. Never lose a confirmation again. (I accept soft money.)

WAR: Do you have a war you want to start? Let me blog it for you. We can brainstorm any number of cockammie reasons and I will blog it to death. No food for blogs on this one, hard cash only.

LEGISLATION: Not quite enough pork in the barrel? I can target-blog Capital Hill like nobody's business. Please do not confuse paid consultant blogging with lobbying...blogging is so much more cost efficient, no martini lunches or Cohibas in the cloakroom, just straight to your target's e-mail. We know legislators are monitoring the pulse of the blogging community as though it were real if.

CELEBRITY GOSSIP: Oy Vey. This is a tough one and, as such, may cost a little more depending on whether you want to cover up asinine behavior or correct dastardly misinformation on, for example, above the title credits, pregnancy, rehab, pre-nups, etc. Blogging outright denials of obvious plastic surgery will be charged double. Compromising oneself, for ridicule, is costly. My entrance into the bloggosphere of self-made pundits is now hereby official. I look forward to bflogging (not a typo) undetectable 'studies' to support your product, quoting unidentified expert sources and keeping your product's head above water for the duration of...whatever it is we're bflogging.

Disclaimer: I proclaim total and unqualified innocence of any connection to anybody - at this time. Contact me through posts. Discretion guaranteed.

No comments: