Terrorists Decide to Go on Holiday as U.S. Implodes All By Itself

Ahmad: "Hey, Hafiz, did you see another overpass fell apart? This one in Missouri. Was that one even on our blow-up list?"

Hafiz: "Yeah, it was new on the list so we just saved a whole lot of dynamite...nevermind saving us the pain-in-the-ass of transporting it there. Say, can you make a meeting of the Elite Masterminds, al-Qaeda branch, this Thursday after morning prayers - that is, if you do them? We're meeting in Cave #3, password VACAY. And this time leave your laptop at home. Last meeting of the Honorable Jihadists, the porn was just too distracting and we couldn't get any work done. And the place was a mess. Hope you were able to unstick the keyboard."

Ahmad: "Yes, yes, agree with respect. No laptop. Ask for your supreme forgiveness for brain fart! Ha, ha! Learned that from American jihadi. Praying that tumblr keeps its porn pages."

Meeting. Interior Cave #3.

Six members of Elite Masterminds sit around a campfire, passing a pipe. No laptops.

Supreme Leader Omar: "Welcome, greetings of respect and reverence to all of you and a thousand blessings that you made it here, from near and far, for this important meeting. Apparently, our new super secret communication system, landlines, is working beautifully. 'Props' (learned from American jihadist) to our revered and awesome (please forgive Western influence...am working on addiction) brother, Abu, for coming up with such a simple solution to connecting under the radar. Like, who uses landlines anymore?! Brilliant. Blessings to you, Abu, and may you have a million Jihadi children.

Ok, we're here because it has come to our attention that we seem to be wasting our time planning the destruction of the United States of America. Deranged, subversive sources inform us that the U.S. is falling apart all on its own and honorable sources are worried they will be out of a job...but, on the bright side, they will blend in even better with filthy non-believer citizens who are also unemployed.

Abu, honorable and thundering warrior, head of PR and Washington lobbyist, may you honor us with your report.

Abu: Blessings and admiration, may you all live a thousand lives with vestal virgins. First, I want to congratulate Hadid for winning numbers in the Power Ball - may Allah forgive us - as he has generously tithed his winnings, even without us threatening to cut his head off, so that we may, Allah willing, upgrade our suicide bomber jackets to ones our glorious leader spotted in the Patagonia catalogue. Please honorably note, we are now moving into sustainable garments where possible.

And now for the news you are all here for. As Supreme Leader Omar indicated with his brilliant and perceptive mind and his subversive subscription to the New York Times as well as our deranged colleagues hidden in plain sight in the U.S., it has become plainly obvious that we can put on pause our intricate and stealthy plans to do Jihad to our filthy infidels because they are doing a stellar job all by themselves.

May we bow before Allah and blow kisses to him for this: Thousands of Bridges in U.S. Could Collapse If Only Single Part Fails You see. He, Oh Glorious One, has answered our prayers to help us bring down the greatest country in the world - well, that's how they bill themselves - by turning themselves against themselves. Does Allah get any more creative than that?

And now for the kicker, honorable soldiers. Because of my deft and humble lobbying - but of course, only with Allah's help - get this! Banks’ Lobbyists Help in Drafting Financial Bills  Let us put 'on hold' our delicious, nefarious plans to infiltrate and destroy the conceited and arrogant United States' economy. Again, they are doing it, thanks and bows to Allah, to themselves. There is an old and imaginative saying that I learned from my years of being head ladies dorm monitor - they thought I was an uncorrupted holy man: Putting the wolf in charge of the hen house. So it is with the corruptible and greedy bankers.

With Allah's blessed help, that is my report. Over to you Supreme Leader.

Supreme Leader Omar: Blessings for such an honorable and insightful report. So, the good news is, al-Qaeda brethern, we are suspending all destructive plans, for Allah knows how long, until America gets its shit together and we can resume jihad. Until then, we are GOING ON HOLIDAY! You have earned a little R&R, a reprieve from suicides and beheadings, stonings and machete-wielding. You must be exhausted. Brochures for possible vacation locations are on the rock as you go out. It is advised that we can obtain group rates.

Go in peace...for the time being...in blessings and friendship. Blessed is Allah. 

For all you repressed Christian haters out there...

Geezuz, what the hell is wrong with these people. Jason Collins comes out at the age of 33...THIRTY-THREE! He's been - I don't want to say 'hiding in the closet'...that's just ridiculous. He's been managing his life so you CHRISTIAN haters, you SPORTS DOOFUSES, you PATHETIC flotsam of humanity bobbing around life out there...won't vilify him, string him up - hey, he's black and he's gay - won't think he's going to hell - hey, guess what? He doesn't fucking care anymore what you think. He's FREE. That is what the American use of the word 'freedom' means. Free to be who you are. Free to be who you are without hurting a fly.

You're probably too bloody young to remember this book: Free To Be You and Me by Marlo Thomas..."the basic concept was to encourage post-1960s gender neutrality, saluting values such as individuality, tolerance, and comfort with one's identity. A major thematic message is that anyone—whether a boy or a girl—can achieve anything." Well, that was in NINETEEN SEVENTY-TWO! What the hell is wrong with this country? Sorry, my panties are in a twist over this.

Some doofus on ESPN - hope he's job hunting right now - had this to say:

ESPN Sportscaster Immediately Trashes First Out NBA Player: Jason Collins Is Not ‘A Christian’

He made the comments in front of his openly gay colleague, LZ Granderson:

BROUSSARD: Personally, I don’t believe that you can live an openly homosexual lifestyle or an openly, like premarital sex between heterosexuals. If you’re openly living that type of lifestyle, then the Bible says you know them by their fruits. It says that, you know, that’s a sin. If you’re openly living in unrepentant sin, whatever it may be, not just homosexuality, whatever it maybe, I believe that’s walking in open rebellion to God and to Jesus Christ. So I would not characterize that person as a Christian because I don’t think the bible would characterize them as a Christian.

First of all, he, Broussard, is obviously gay (repressed) but somebody has to tell him that his version of Christianity is a total fantasy. Hmmm, maybe that's it. He fantasizes about Jesus. 

There are so many 'wars' out there...you've noticed, right? How very Christian to be constantly at 'war' about something...Muslims, drugs, women, healthcare, sex, sex ed, OMG it goes on an on. I have nothing more to say except to repeat: "I'm mad as Hell and I'm not going to take this anymore". Enough with dunderheads telling us how to live and what to think. Frankly, I'm sick of Christianity.

Feel free to SHARE. Thanks.

The NRA As Third Party, Shadow President & Militant Enforcer

The title says it all really. They are f**king running this country. For now anyway. Because they have got those weak-willied Congressmen by the nuts, terrified of acting on principle (do they have any?) and scared out of their minds of losing their jobs. Because if they lost, they would have to get a real job.

How the NRA got to this position of power should be a dire warning to the citizenry of this country. Passivity, complacence and letting others (activists) do the work is not a viable business model. Passionate crazies have a ton of energy and are laser focused on their goals. Regular people watch the news, wring their hands, complain about the government and often don't even bother to vote. Keep it up and next thing you know, Wayne "KooKoo" (click on link) LaPierre will be taking the Oath of Office.

Seriously, folks - to quote our dear VP - if this isn't a call to arms - yes, you heard that right - then I don't know what will get people off their butts to take part in this so-called democracy of ours. Petitions on-line are asking people to take a 'pledge' to not give money to the shamed candidates, Democrat or Republican, who voted against the Firearms Bill that simply mandates background checks before someone buys a gun. Apparently 91% of Americans want background checks but there was a disconnect somewhere that didn't get that message across. It's easy to sit at your computer and click on petitions 'n stuff but the real action happens when people are truly passionate about their issues, get involved, give of their time and see causes through to the end.

We did not elect the NRA and they have no business dictating policy to the extent that they do. They are drunk with power and they must be stopped.

We are the 91%. Here are a few ways to help in California - Firearms Policy Coalition: https://www.firearmspolicy.org/take-action/california/https://www.firearmspolicy.org/take-action/california/  Check other states for opportunities to help put the NRA where they belong. At a shooting range. Or something.

Wondering: Would Pro-Lifers Abort A Gay Baby?

Okay, so here's a question for all you 'Pro-Lifers'. As I'm sure you are painfully aware, there are a couple of cases being argued in front of the Supreme Court today and tomorrow that have to do with gay marriage. Yeah, I know, the thought of it just twists you into slip knots that you probably learned in the Boy Scouts.  

But aside from gays - who you can't stand no matter what they do or that they even exist - I'm curious how you square your Pro-Life stance with baby gays. Because, as you know, but don't want to acknowledge, being gay...or being born blonde or blue-eyed or curly-haired or tall or having big feet, smart or stupid and so on...is not a choice. I know you have trouble with that. 

Well, wait. Let me back up a bit. Can we agree that there is 'curve' of sexuality with regard to human beings? You know, some of you just hate sex...so that would be kind of in the middle of the paradigm of sexuality...with people who are totally hetero on one end and totally gay on the other and then everything inbetween. You see what I'm talkin' about?

So here's the question: If there were a test for gayness in utero, would you be for abortion? I know it's kind of a crude question but, what are your thoughts on that?

If the sanctity of life is paramount, then if, say, you're a pregnant Tea Bagger lady living in Wisconsin who a) hates gays b) believes 'all' life is sacred - and you find out the precious life inside of you is GAYGAYGAY, would you welcome the little human product of your fornication as one of God's children? Or would you run to the nearest abortion clinic and blot out what you would consider God's mistake? I'll give a generous 10 seconds to answer.

Oh, so you'd have it and immediately give it up for adoption. But you would keep a cherished baby with physical birth defects, right? Just not a gay one. Ok, got it. 

 

 

No Need To Invade Iraq. We've Got WMD's Right Here.

Breaking News. Again.

Mass Shooting In Phoenix Office Building Hours After Gabrielle Giffords Testifies at Congressional Hearing on Gun Control.

It occurred to me this morning (before the above news) as I was pumping iron at Gold's...you know, bench pressing 250..that we really don't have to look across the pond for WMD's. They're right here in the USA, maybe even next door. So, what to do? Invade ourselves? Probably not. Not enough oil.

But the NRA defends owning assault weapons just in case the government tries to turn around and take over or something like that. Silly notion. They could never get bipartisan support so that's unlikely to happen. But 'mishugenah' gun owners want to blow away anyone who comes near them who they imagine will break into their bunkers to take away their very own precious WMD. WTF. This is some crazy thinking. Dictionary.com's meaning for 'crazy' is 'mentally strange' which captures 'crazy' a whole lot better, in this case. One could also call them deranged, but really, it doesn't matter what you call them, it just matters that they exist. How are we going to deal with that?

Here's NRA insane motherf**ker, Wayne LaPierre (Is that his real name? Have they done a background check on him?):

LaPierre wrote unambiguously in his first book, published in 1994: “[T]he people have a right…to take whatever measures necessary, including force, to abolish oppressive government.” The same year Congress passed a ten-year ban on assault weapons. The following spring, on April 13, 1995, LaPierre signed a fund-raising letter to NRA members: “The semiauto ban gives jack-booted government thugs more power to take away our constitutional rights, break in our doors, seize our guns, destroy our property, and even injure or kill us.” - How the NRA became the fringe by Frank Smyth

BTW, I'm sure he has a 24/7 security goon squad following him around, making sure he's wearing his bullet-proof vest because he's afraid some mentally strange person might be sick-up-to-here of his stupid rhetoric. It goes both ways.

We need to keep up the pressure on Congress to make sure they don't continue their cowardly ways.  Those elected officials from gun country should be ready to stand their ground (remember that?) against their crazy constituents or not get re-elected. Do those nutjobs actually vote anyway?  

A General's Gotta Do What A General's Gotta Do

Hey, c'mon, since the General, Petraeus in this case, is in charge of rallying the troops and keeping up their morale, who in the world do you think is going to rally the General and keep up his morale, eh? Ok, so now we know. Oh, I should have made that 'Generals' as we now know there was another General, General Allen, whose morale also needed keeping up. Look, these guys have a very stressful job and they're entitled to a little R&R. No judgement.

But I bet there is one person who is kicking herself as a spy with a lost opportunity. The sizzling, red-hot Russian spy, the sultry Anna Chapman, a modern day Mata Hari, could have had a field day with these guys. She probably didn't think that the military was so easy to infiltrate. Instead, she was relegated to impersonating a downtown 'vivacious vixen' as The Post called her. Maybe next time.

So, I guess that's where the troubling part comes in. Certainly it can't be a man's personal life - that's his business - but when his personal business plus the business he's in = the military, then some pretty serious slip-ups can happen. "Why just reading your email, Sir Loves-A-Lot! No biggie. Oh my, but that is! (sultry smile) Say, just tell me the code for ________ and then let's drop a few 'bombs'..."

Romney: A Wealthy Man With A Deficit...of Character

If Mitt Romney wants to get rid of the deficit, he should start with himself. The man has the biggest, deepest deficit of character ever exhibited on the world stage who wasn't a murderer.

Certainly this old joke, “How can you tell when a politician is lying? When his (or her) lips move.” is true enough, but this self-professed religious, Christ-loving Mormon defies any definition of character, in any religion, by lyinglyinglying. About everything. He's a kleptomaniacal fabulist who steals anything he hears, true or not, grabbing for tidbits of tired rhetoric of what he thinks people may want to hear. The desperation of wanting to be relevant, to better his daddy, to be in the spotlight is pathetic especially since there seems to be no other reason he is running for President.

Forget about flip-flopping, forget about whether you agree or disagree with his policies (whatever they are), forget him being a tight-ass wooden automaton, forget about him being rich, I just want to know how this man sleeps at night? Probably very well as those do who haven't the slightest bit of a nagging conscience. Isn't that lack of conscience a symptom of being a psychopath? It would be illuminating to sit inside the Romney brain and watch him connect his synapses into the whirling spin that must take place for him to justify his egregious behavior.

Is this a person who should be President of the United States?

Aside from Romney, The Hollow Man, consider the frightening Supreme Court appointment possibilities. I wrote this during the last election, but it still applies: "It's The Supremes, Stupid"

So, hey Progressives (of which I am one), hey all of you who don't feel like voting or think it doesn't matter, hey you who think writing in Homer Simpson is a cute protest and doesn't matter. IT MATTERS.

VOTE FOR PRESIDENT OBAMA & then, after the election, stay active, get involved in issues that will make a difference, work for a Third Party, work to get rid of the electoral college, work for Single Payer, work for the Dream Act, and on and on. But this Tuesday, your vote does matter. It's the Power of One...it's yours to use or throw away (but then you not allowed to bitch).

OBAMA 2012!